Twinitis: An insidious disease that has no scientifically known origin. Researchers have discovered that it begins very early in life, and the etiologic agent is the twin aircraft itself. The process is known to access the body through the eyes, and spread rapidly, almost like a virus, into the brain and heart of the affected individual. In most cases, a progressively severe form of obsession develops, where logical thought is replaced by dreamlike states of imagery, in which the subject becomes deluded into actually believing himself to be a superior pilot, and far above the regular single-engine, run-of-the mill people.

Symptoms of the disease are varied, but patients often exhibit a vacant stare, a tendency to look up into the sky whenever a twin flies overhead, and notable weight loss secondary to a subconscious desire to keep single-engine performance optimal. Conjugal relations have been know to become strained, especially in the field of fiscal balance, as college education, mortages, car payments, etc., are brought into play during “quality” domestic discussions.

The disease is contagious, principally through the oral route, as the affected individual is known to infect other potential victims in the field with constant chatter, interaction, pseudorationalization, and flight of ideas associatied with owning twin-engined aircraft.

There is no treatment for the disease. Limited forms of therapy include providing the patient with documentation regarding the arguable benefits of single engine safety statistics, group therapy with previous multi-engine pilots, access to different forms of entertainment, such as golf, crotcheting, etc., and providing the patient with copies of his or her most recent bank and investment statements. Clinical results have been, for the most part, disappointing.

The only known cure is surgical: It entails a radical resection of the individuals net worth, extirpation of other capital present in his system, and a direct canalization to his nearest aircraft dealer or seller to obtain his long-held dream. Only then can he become a normal person again: Productive, confident, hard-working, loving, and self-assured, especially with the self-satisfaction only a twin can provide as he and others admire it on the ramp.
Prescription: Rx: One twin-engine aircraft, (Baron, no pharmacy substitutions). Sig: use morning, noon, or night, as the need arises.

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